10 Ways You Know You’re an English Teacher

A bit of froth for the holidays.  I found myself having the same thoughts I have every Easter break and realised that being an English teacher is part of my DNA now.  It doesn’t matter what position you take in a school, your inner-English teacher never goes away.

  1. It’s the Easter holiday and you are thinking about controlled assessment whilst consuming the last of your Waitrose Easter egg haul.  There are still children who were absent, or who missed an hour or two.  You need to catch them when you get back.  Maybe you can find a way to ring home in the holidays to remind them they need their texts.  Maybe you could go to their house to pin them down and make sure they don’t escape.
  2. You’re panicking because time is going too quickly.  You’ve counted how many weeks, no – days – are left before the first exam. And plotted out what you are going to teach lesson by lesson until study leave. Why is study leave even allowed? Why is the iGCSE so early again?  How many more Speaking and Listening exams do you have to record?
  3. You’ve mastered the art of teaching poetry at super speed.  One poem a lesson? Check.  Two poems if they’re both short? Check.
  4. You are not free on a Saturday morning between now and the end of June.  This is just how it is, right?  Other subjects have this too?  Lie ins?  Who needs lie ins?
  5. You harbour huge resentment against Maths – the subject and the department.  You all face the same pressure in theory.  School is measured by Maths and English – making or breaking a school’s reputation.  But – you secretly feel a superiority that you’re not ashamed of – English has to deliver not one, but two GCSEs in the same space of time as Maths.  Pah. You do it every year.
  6. You pride yourself on not having taught the same curriculum consecutively since 2004.  You don’t understand what Science and Maths are complaining about.  Science has stayed Science.  Maths has stayed Maths.  English, however, is the nation’s political football.  And we know how to handle this.  What are we teaching next term to Year 9 anyway?
  7. You quote Of Mice and Men incessantly.  Eating baked beans. I like mine with ketchup.  Reassuring your partner.  You got me and I got you that gives a hoot in hell about us.  Asking a sheepish question. George…?
  8. You wonder whether there’s any need for a new, Summer term notebook.  You’ve seen a lovely one and you’re coveting much.
  9. You own seventeen copies of An Inspector Calls/Animal Farm/Of Mice and Men/Lord of the Flies and Macbeth.  They are all on your shelf at home and yet you can never find a copy when you need one.  You do have all the copies of every poetry anthology ever published and you’re holding in to them just in case Gillian Clark and Ted Hughes ever come back onto the curriculum.
  10. You know you’re about to embark on the worst part of the year but you’ve realised that it’s like being in labour.  Every year this bit is bloody painful, but when Year 11, 12 and 13 go, you experience a state of bliss that makes you forget.  Then you do it again and it’s bloody painful again.

In all of this, we continue reading, teaching, learning and being the best pedants we can be.  Because we secretly love it.  Even this bit before exams.  Honestly.

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4 comments

  1. pmichael73 (@pmichael73)

    Once again you’ve nailed it. I admire and feel sorry for today’s teachers. When I was teaching, it was very hard work, but it was fun. There was time for a bit of serendipity; you didn’t need to account for every five minutes of every lesson. On the down side, we taught the idiots who are now in charge. . . .

  2. jillberry102

    This resonated with me, Bennie, having taught English exam classes between 1980 and 2000! (Taught as a head, too, but only KS3). Some things never change! Hope you’re still enjoying the break, and that the exam season goes well….

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