‘How to Manage the Teachers Going on Strike’ by Mr Gove.

Right.  Busy, busy busy!  So much to do, so little time – yes, I have to get things done before Thursday.  So irritating that teachers want to protest about whatever it is they’re protesting about – what was it again?  Ah, yes.  Pensions.  I mean, complaining that they’ll have to pay more and get less back in their old age!  Ridiculous.  I work much harder than they do and I’m not trying to exercise any democratic rights.  They should take me as an example.

So, job one.  Negotiations.  Well, that’s easy.  There aren’t going to be any.  Job done.  Next!

Two…hmm, tricky.  Appearances in the media.  I think I should go on the Andrew Marr Show.  He’s a reliable, trustworthy sort, just the kind of man that the public respect and listen to.  If I appear on his show to make my position clear, I’ll be even more respected than I am now.  I’ve got some great ideas about how to keep schools open on Thursday, if these pesky strikes should go ahead. 

Moving on to item three…keeping schools open.  This is where I’m going to make history.  Imagine – n0 one will expect a Member of Parliament in a democracy to undermine the voting public’s rights to make legal protests.  I think most people would expect me to want to keep voters.  Fools.  I digress – keeping schools open.  It’s important to keep the school open because the children might lose out on a whole day’s education.  We need to keep tabs on how many days they’re losing; they’ve already suffered greatly because of the day off everyone had for the Royal Wedding – and next year, that extra day off for the Jubilee means even more children won’t able to read.  This is the genius plan.  Now, I know that I have said that 1 in 3 parents can’t read aloud to their children and that hundreds, nay, thousands of parents don’t provide their children with books – but I bet they’d help me keep schools open.  They probably won’t remember what the Evening Standard printed because none of them can read anyway!  When teachers go on strike, we  can replace the teachers with parents!

You can’t fault the idea, really.  The parents had the children in the first place, so who better than them to teach these poor, teacherless children?  My logic is truly flawless.  You know, I may have hit on something more long term there.  If parents can teach children, then we don’t really need teachers at all.  Full stop.  Let’s just get rid of the teaching profession!  That’d stop them striking, willy-nilly.

That leads me on to job number four.  All very neat.  It’s Monday.  The strikes are taking place on Thursday.  How long can CRB checks take?  It’s just a little form – surely we don’t need all the details from all these new people entering the profession!  Is anyone really interested in whether they have criminal records?  If I can just get tens of thousands of parents CRB-checked in the next two days, no one can accuse me of not safeguarding the children.

Perfect.  Now I have a plan that doesn’t offend anybody, keeps the schools open and keeps my reputation intact, I can sleep really well tonight.

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